The Riley Boys Ultimate Guide to 4th of July
Ah, the Fourth of July. America’s birthday. The glorious day when we commemorate independence by drinking for 12 hours straight, overcooking hamburgers on a wobbly propane grill, and launching small-scale artillery into the night while yelling “FREEDOM!” at confused neighbors.
It’s our proudest tradition. Also our dumbest. And honestly? That’s the whole point.
Here at Riley Ink, we love Independence Day. We're taking the whole week of. Not because we’re flag-waving purists, but because it’s the one day a year when being hilariously, stupidly over-the-top is not just accepted—it’s mandatory.
So consider this your extremely serious, extremely helpful, and not-at-all sarcastic guide to doing the Fourth of July right.
Fireworks: Embrace Your Inner Pyromaniac
Let’s be clear. There is no Fourth of July without fireworks. Even the most low-key backyard gathering needs at least one half-sober uncle lighting a Roman candle in the middle of the street.
But the real pros know you don’t just wander into the fireworks store on July 3rd and hope for the best. You plan. You stockpile. You memorize those shady mailer coupons they send every week. Sure, they might not actually save you money—but you get the satisfaction of feeling like you’re robbing the place blind.
Nothing says patriotism quite like spending $200 on a cardboard box with an angry bald eagle on it and enough powder to make the local fire department sweat.
The best part? Watching them go off while pretending you know what you’re doing. Light. Run. Pray. Repeat.
Food: The True Meaning of Independence
If there’s one thing that unites us all, it’s the shared understanding that the real reason anyone shows up to your Fourth of July party is the food.
We’re talking burgers. Hot dogs. Potato salad that was probably made two days ago but somehow feeds 40 people. Chips that vanish immediately while everyone pretends they weren’t the one double-dipping.
Of course, there’s the classic packaging scandal of our time: hot dogs come in packs of 10, buns in packs of 8. It’s culinary anarchy. The Founding Fathers would be appalled.
But there’s an easy fix. Just buy eight packs of hot dogs and ten packs of buns. That’s 80 perfectly matched servings, enough to feed the crowd and maintain your dignity as a host who understands math.
Sure, no one wants to admit 80 hot dogs is a "normal" number. But let’s be honest, they’ll all get eaten.
Drinks: Hydrate Responsibly (But Also Don’t)
America didn’t throw off the yoke of monarchy so you could sip LaCroix and call it a day.
If you want to avoid being the sad soul holding a warm light beer at 5 p.m. with nothing left in the cooler, you need a strategy.
First, stock the right mix. Cheap beer is non-negotiable. It’s tradition. Seltzers are for the people who say they’re “watching carbs” while eating half a cheesecake. A couple of respectable craft beers show you have class before immediately shotgunning a Coors.
Most importantly: always keep one secret stash. Hide it behind a chair or in the garage fridge. Wait for the inevitable moment someone announces, “We’re out!” Then saunter over, produce the hidden rack of beer, and bask in your status as the undisputed MVP of America’s birthday.
Themed drinks are also encouraged if you’re feeling fancy. Red, white, and blue Jello shots that stain your teeth like a bomb pop gone wrong. Mason jar cocktails with enough sugar to power a small town. Bomb pop-inspired vodka drinks that look better than they taste. All perfectly on-brand.
And of course, water. Not because anyone will drink it. But it looks good in the cooler next to the 36-pack.
Honestly, it’s all about the vibe. The Founding Fathers might have drafted the Declaration of Independence sober, but they didn’t say you had to.
A Body of Water: Optional, but Highly Recommended
If you want to truly upgrade your Fourth of July experience, get yourself near a body of water.
Pool? Lake? Creek? Inflatable kiddie pool that definitely wasn’t designed for adults but will absolutely end up containing at least three of them? Doesn’t matter.
There’s something inherently American about cannonballing into questionably clean water after housing four burgers. It’s a place to cool off, hide from the sunburn you’re pretending you don’t have, and avoid talking politics with your in-laws for at least 20 minutes.
Bonus points if you bring one of those giant inflatable islands with cup holders. That’s the closest you’ll ever get to being George Washington crossing the Delaware, but with more seltzers and less historical significance.
Games: Competitive Spirit and Petty Grudges
You can’t just eat and drink all day. At some point, you need an outlet for the competitive energy that’s been simmering since last Thanksgiving’s family debate about whose brisket was better.
Cornhole is the gold standard. Simple. Deadly. Impossible to master once you’re six beers in. Expect at least one dramatic meltdown over house rules.
Beer pong brings you back to your glory days—though now it’s played on a slightly sticky folding table that’s seen better times.
Flip cup transforms a group of near-strangers into a tightly bonded military unit screaming at Dave to “Just. Flip. The. Cup.”
Ladder toss, wiffle ball, and drinking giant Jenga all make appearances, each one carefully designed to be easy enough to play drunk and complex enough to argue about.
Games aren’t about winning. They’re about bonding through trash talk and ensuring that everyone leaves with at least one new petty grudge.
Music & Vibes: The Unsung Hero
You need a soundtrack. Otherwise you’re just sitting around in awkward silence listening to the neighbor’s windchimes.
Classic rock that gets better the louder you play it is essential. “Born in the USA” will get played at least three times even though no one listens to the lyrics. Miley Cyrus will make an appearance, and you’ll claim it’s ironic. Someone will try to put on country and suddenly everyone has an opinion about Toby Keith.
It doesn’t have to be curated like a wedding playlist, but someone needs to keep it going. The 4th of July without music is basically just a weird outdoor eating contest with explosives.
Decorations and Atmosphere: Keep It Tastefully Trashy
No one expects you to be Martha Stewart here. But you can at least make it look intentional.
Flags everywhere. The more the better. Paper plates with stars on them. Cups in red, white, and blue. Cheap plastic tablecloths that will blow away in the slightest breeze but still look festive until then.
Glow sticks for the kids (or adults who think they’re kids). A couple string lights if you’re feeling classy. It’s all about that homemade, vaguely trashy, backyard Americana vibe that says, “We know this is ridiculous, and that’s exactly why it’s fun.”
Safety Tips (That Everyone Ignores)
It wouldn’t be the Fourth of July without at least one half-hearted safety speech.
Don’t hold fireworks in your hand. Light them and run. Keep a hose nearby. Don’t let the drunkest guy play with the lighter.
Of course, you’ll ignore all of this. But consider this our official disclaimer so you can’t sue us later.
Dress Code: The Dumber, the Better
And finally, let’s talk about what you’re wearing.
Patriotic apparel isn’t optional. It’s the cost of admission. But there’s a fine line between basic and brilliant.
You can go buy the same $5 gas station flag tee everyone else has. Or you can wear something that actually has personality. The kind of shirt that gets a side-eye from your grandma and a “hell yes” from your friends.
Something that says you get the joke.
It’s the difference between “look, I’m patriotic” and “I’m so patriotic I’m willing to wear something ridiculous on purpose.”
Because let’s be honest, that’s the real spirit of the Fourth.
So don’t be the guy in the generic Old Navy flag tee. Be the one in a shirt that says “It’s Only Treason if You Lose” while lighting off the good fireworks. Be the one explaining why George Washington holding a bomb pop with “Suck It England” is the most historically accurate shirt ever made. Be the friend wearing “Back to Back World War Champs” who everyone knows is half-joking, half-serious, and fully ready for another beer.
Because nothing says freedom quite like having the right to laugh at yourself while doing all of the above.
If you’re going to celebrate, do it properly. Get the food, stock the beer, light the sky on fire, and wear the funniest patriotic shirts you can find.
Check out our latest designs if you want to actually look like you planned your outfit this year.
Happy Fourth of July from the Riley boys. Cheers to freedom, fireworks, and funny shirts that make your uncle roll his eyes in disappointment, right before asking you where you bought it.
